Moment Junkie

Here's the thing, I'm a moment junkie.  Have been for a long, long time.  Love being witness to moments, noticing them, seeking them out.  Capturing them, looking at them.  Studying them long after the moment has passed.  Lately, I've been pretty swept up with the in between moments.  The ones that are easy to miss.  So easy to miss.  

Racing around in the morning.  I stop.  I look around, the kids... their sweet little tv coma faces... staring at whatever show they've decided on this morning.  Ignoring me.  That moment.  Getting Maisie her waffle... finding a matching sock for Elliot, for Maisie for me.  Grabbing their clothes, my keys... those moments.  To me lately, these are the most beautiful.  To me, they mean we are all ok.  We are going on with daily life.  The magic in it is actually miraculous to me.  Waking up to Maisie's flashlight too early as she sneaks around in the morning.  "mommy..." Magic.  Going into get my almost 3 year old out of his crib that he is still in and loves.  It doesn't even occur to him that he can easily get out of it.  Magic.  Cleaning up their toys that mean they are happily engaged in playing.  Making a mess, being wild.  Being alive.  So f'ing grateful.  Today, everyday moments are the ones that have my heart.  The regular day moments.  The simple, the messy, the laundry piled up means we got up and wore clothes, and got them dirty.  The big pile of stuff beside my computer means I took Elliot to feed the birds instead.  I'm ok with me.  I'm ok with us.  I'm freaking grateful to be able to drive Maisie to school in the morning, the same way... every day.  It means we're ok, and that is a massive blessing.  

I'm a moment junkie.  The big, the obscure, and the hidden gems.  It makes my heart peaceful to take deep breaths into the mundane.  The every day.  The every day moments are how we spend our lives.  There is no finish line.  Not the weekend, not the birthdays, not Christmas... 

This, is everything. 

and I just felt like sharing that with you. 

xo

Let your life be a painting

Dear Maisie, 

I feel the need to tell you, in writing... that you are magic.  On Christmas morning I read you "Have You Filled a Bucket Today.  A Guide to Daily Happiness for Kids." It's a very sweet book that is so great.  In it, it explains that everyone in the world has an invisible bucket.  Throughout the day that bucket can be filled or emptied.  When your bucket is full, you are happy.  A bucket full of happiness.  If your bucket is empty... not so happy.  We talked about it, read it.  You loved it.  You whispered to me "Let's try it out on daddy."   Then looked at your dad and said "you're a good and handsome daddy."  He smiled big and said "aw, why thank you sweetheart."  
"Mom!  It worked"  You said proudly.  My heart was instantly happier.

A few hours later we were at your grandma and papas.  Great Grannie Goodheart was there too.  88 years young.  Everyone was chatting away, checking out presents and out of nowhere you whisper to me "watch this mom.  I'm going to fill up Great Grandmas bucket."  

"Great Grandma you have a sweet heart."  

Big smile from her, big smile from you.  My own heart melted.   

You can do many things with your life Maisie.  You will likely possess many qualities.  You could be strong willed, passionate, independent, smart, wise, charming, sassy, talented or wild.  But the one thing I will always feel most proud of is when you are kind.  When your soul shines with love and compassion.  Nothing makes me feel better, makes my bucket more full.  Your soul is shiny Maisie.  Sparkly.  May you carry on filling buckets wherever you go.  Making magic, spreading yours.  It is your life my darling girls.  You choose what your life will be.  You can make your life the most magnificent painting you can imagine.  Today you asked me to wear your "wedding dress" from our wedding.  We made these photos in about 10 minutes in our kitchen, with love.

So much love, 

oxox mom

“When I say be creative I don't mean that you should all go and become great painters and great poets. I simply mean let your life be a painting, let your life be a poem.” ~Osho

Never wanted nothing more.

I never had a plan. I didn't. I didn't see myself in the future. Didn't have an idea of what I wanted my life to be. I just lived it. I just went moment to moment.

Living on cruise ships for 6 years will turn anyone into a bit of a gypsy. Sailing different seas, wandering the shorelines of many different countries, breathing in the air from foreign cultures, smelling Moroccan spices, Egyptian pyramids, Italian trattorias, and Thai food cooking on the streets. Craving the next big adventure. I wasn't sure I would ever stay still long enough to own a home, a car or have my clothes in drawers. It took a while, it took countless experiences. But, when I was done with ships... I was done. Putting the pieces together for a photography career on land. A few weddings each summer while traveling turned into more. I was home. Loving the air here. The salty, damp, west coast air. I started. I jumped. I trusted. I didn't have a plan. Just had my gypsy heart and all sorts of inspiration.

Dancing around the kitchen this morning with Maisie Lu, I realized that I may not be able to enjoy her as much if she was part of a plan. You can't plan miracles. She is the result of two lives. Bryce's and mine, coming together at exactly the right time. As we spun around to Kenny Chesney, with barefeet on the cool tile floor, laughing and hugging. His words filled the kitchen.

"And I'm sure happy With what I've got. I live to love and laugh a lot, And thats all I need.

Never wanted nothin' more. And I never wanted nothin' more."

If I could go back I would tell myself "It will be better than you can imagine. Just trust me." Potentially saving me a few tears, heartaches and stresses about decisions. I wish I could tell myself. "You are making the right choices. Even the wrong ones, are right."

If you don't have a big plan... sometimes life unfolds the most beautiful mysteries, right before your eyes.

Mothers Day

For the first few weeks, when I even thought about my pregnancy, labor, delivery and events that followed or how much I loved Maisie...I would burst into tears. The above photo was no exception. Being a mom means loving someone so much, it actually hurts.

When you become someone's mom, you instantly understand why she worried so much. Why she cared so much. Why she cried when you hurt yourself, or worse.. when you hurt someone else. Why she missed you when you flew away on airplanes to chase dreams on cruise ships. Why she was proud. Why she laughed at your lame jokes, why she bragged about your 'sports award' in grade 4, and why she was so upset when you died your hair, got tattoos, crashed cars, drank too much, acted wildly. You immediately understand why it hurt so much when you told her "I hate you, I wish you weren't my mom" when you were little (or not so little).

Everything makes sense. You wish you maybe had realized what being a mom to someone really meant a whole lot sooner, and maybe could have been a bit easier on your own mom along the way. You may have hugged her more and been more patient. You might think about the years of her life she gave up, so you could be a healthy, loving, kind human being. You may think about how her body would never be the same, all because she wanted to give you life. You may even think about her sleepless nights feeding you, loving you, singing and rocking you back to sleep. You might think about what she sacrificed, now that you've made some of the same sacrifices. You may understand that she really doesn't want anything in the world more, than for you to have the most magic life you could ever imagine. You may feel like mothers day is not just another day. It may be a reminder for you to take a moment and do some thinking, and remembering and honoring.

I'm not sure if its the same for everyone. But for me, this little being has rocked the very core of my being into remembering that I didn't just magically appear here on earth.

My mom brought me here. Aches, pains, labor, delivery, growth charts, doctors visits, sleepless nights. She made me. Raised me. Taught me to see beauty, everywhere. Infused my soul with a deep appreciation for life, for love and instilled the most important trait of all in me... compassion. I didn't just magically arrive here. In fact, I'm pretty sure without her... I would have never even existed. All of this means a whole lot more now that I look over and see my own little girl sleeping soundly, sweetly. In fact, everything means more now.

Mom, I love you. I understand what you went through to create me, I am forever grateful.

Friday Musings: Behind the images.

Maybe a pretty person makes a pretty photo. Maybe the outfit or the hair or the colors makes the photo appealing. At first.

In the initial glance at an image, what do you see. Perhaps there are fun props, quirky poses, something beautiful. Maybe you don't know why you like the photo. You just do. I'm not really one for fuss. I don't really like using a lot of props or things in photographs. I like spirit. I thrive on emotion. I love seeing behind the image, what is really in that photo. Because really, there isn't much chance in any single moment of seeing nothing in life. If you are seeing nothing... it is my humble opinion that you are missing a whole lot.

There is substance in everything. There is a story everywhere, in everything. In every molecule, every moment, there was something before it. Or some path that lead it to right now. You have a story, and many of them. I may not know what it is when I first set out to photograph you, but I'll see it somewhere along the process. Or I'd like to think that its possible to catch a glimpse of your story in your eyes, in your silence, in your movements on your own and then how you move with your man/lady/child/mother/sister. We are all full of tightly woven sinews, all connecting us together inside ourselves as well as those stories fusing every single one of us all in a closely knit and intricate labyrinth.

I am somehow connected to you. Right now, you reading my watery words... me typing them from my laptop, feet up, reclined... baby wiggling away inside my belly. Listening to nothing but the wind howl through our fireplace, I contemplate what's behind an image. You, wherever you are, which ever screen you are perched at in whatever part of the world. Reading these words. Maybe there are ten of you. Maybe only one. But somehow, something has brought us together. Be it only in the vast world of cyberspace, for this moment. Our stories have met.

When I look back at a few of these photos from the past, I see what I saw in that moment. In whatever fleeting moment was occuring, I am right back there. What I find most interesting, is to wonder.. what you see? Is it different from what stories I see, or feel or wish to feel. Do you see behind the image? Or is it just a nice photo. Is there anything compelling about it to you? What is it? I'll likely never know. But I will leave you with a few of the images that I truly love. Mainly because of what lies behind the photo. Maybe you see it too?