Doing the right thing
I question everything. Its my nature.
I question myself, my choices, my motives. Am I doing the right thing? It’s just how I roll. Throw in a title such as “mother” and questioning becomes a whole new playing field.
I believe that its the responsibility that gets me. The pressure. Good lord the pressure.
Will she be strong, will she know she’s loved, even if I let her cry for a bit in her crib. Even if we carry on with the sleep training. Even if she did sleep through the night last night, and might even do it again tonight. Will she know we still love her, and would cut off limbs if it would ensure that her life would be full, and long, and incredible. Will she be a good person, will she always know how to laugh, have fun and be amazing. Will she want to dance around all wild, or will she be serious. Will I screw her up. Or if I don’t will someone else mess her little life up.
There. I said it. Isn’t that what we all fear? Anyone raising people, children, little souls, who are perfect little beings at birth. Knowing all the mysteries of the world. Innocent, open, amzing. Will we screw them up. If I feed her sweet potatoes, or formula, or butternut squash from a jar, or homemade applesauce… will that make her better and healthier? If she plays with Sophie the Giraffe, or pots and pans… will one make her stronger, more aware, more alive? Will having the B.O.B stroller, or the Ergo carrier ensure that she has a full and adventurous life. Does the brand of her baby shoes really matter. Will she care if she is in baby GAP or organic cotton. Does any of this matter, really. Honestly. Will having designer bed sheets make her a more rounded, caring and compassionate human being. What if her sheets are from Wal-Mart??
I don’t believe it really does matter. Again, I question everything. I’m not going to lie. I like my B.O.B stroller, think its awesome. It travels great on trails, it is so easy. But, does having it make me a better person than someone with a different brand. Does it make me “outdoorsy” or “sporty” or “cool”. Nope.
I think, what makes you cool, or even awesome is what you “do”.
Do you read stories, ride bikes, explore the world, make crafts, bake cakes, or garden late at night by the headlights of your car lighting up your yard? Do you teach children to be compassionate and kind and generous? I know that we all do our best. We try. Because I know this, I will likely not look at a new mom and say something like “why does your mommy give you that silly soother in your mouth”, or “why would she put barrettes in your hair”, or “oh, you’re feeding her formula”, or “oh, she sleeps in bed with you” or “isn’t she sleeping through the night”. You might not catch me saying those things to anyone. Now, I think I’ll be less likely to judge moms. Who am I? How do I know?
Right now, I feel like I need a badge that says “NEW MOMMY. GO EASY ON ME”. We do our best, don’t we? Maya Angelou says, when we know better, we do better. So I’m hoping to know better and do better as much as humanly possible.
Tonight, I’m going to hope that Maisie sleeps through the night again. (Yes, I said again) I hope that I learn gently from my mistakes and that each time I learn, I have the ability to humbly admit it and move on, guilt free. I’m new and I’m trying, and I hope that Maisie will learn to overlook my shortcomings as a human being and mother, and teach me how to always strive to do the right thing.
And that… for sure, is enough out of me for one day!!
September 8th, 2010 at 10:02 am
Well said Erin!!! I am a new mommy too, and in this day and age, I think alot of people out there are so quick to judge because they do one thing, or they feel they need to have NEW of everything or top brand, I think that is so sad, we should be judged (even though it is not up to us) but by our character, our personality, not by what brand names we have or how one person parents than the other. People have to remember too, every child is different and as long as that child is not harmed or scared or has it’s safety compromised, we should all embrace our differences! I know what you mean about all the worrying that comes with being a mommy, jeesh, it could drive you crazy if you’d let it! LOL! I know alot of people admire you and your work, and look up to you in a lot of ways, and I was so happy to read such a humbling blog post, thank you for that Erin. Hope your daughter slept through the night, my boy (9months) still does not but it is getting less and less, thank goodness!
September 8th, 2010 at 10:18 am
Really honest and beautiful post!! And Maisie..well she is probably the cutest around!!
September 8th, 2010 at 6:41 pm
Great pictures Erin!
When Reid was only a couple of days old I took him out for a walk with Diesel (our dog) I had barely got out the door and feeling very proud of myself, when a woman said to me my baby wasn’t dressed warm enough and I had my pup on too tight a leash. It took all my strength to walk right by her, gave my pup a pat on the head and Reid a kiss on his tiny little head walked a few blocks trying desperately to keep a smile on my face and keep out the feelings of total incompetency. I think if we believe in ourselves our babies will too….I hope:)
September 8th, 2010 at 7:30 pm
What a wonderful way to begin what will be a hectic day! A cup of coffee in hand, goosebumps and wet eyes… This is Lovely, you are inspirational and I LOVE that you too are a work in progress as I am. Positivity is my fuel! xo Janine
September 8th, 2010 at 9:14 pm
Hang in there “mom”. The mere fact you are worrying about these things speaks volumes. You won’t be perfect as a mom-no one is- but if you are consistent and loving with your consistency, Maisie will flourish as she grows. At this point Maisie is learning the difference between crying just for attention and crying to get support; as she grows the challenges will get harder but I’m confident you and Bryce will help Maisie sort them out so she will be resilient and strong and a loving person.
dado
September 9th, 2010 at 12:01 am
Erin you are amazing, and like your grandpa said “the mere fact you are worrying about these things speaks volumes.” Miss Masie Lou is in perfect hands with you and Bryce guiding her through life. xo Kim
September 9th, 2010 at 1:18 am
aw Erin by the sounds of this ….. I think we must have done something right “growing you up”
I love you and am constantly amazed at everything you do, for sure my beautiful little Lu Lu knows
how much she is loved and cherished! xoxoxoxoxo Ma
September 9th, 2010 at 1:53 am
Even as a new mommy, you are an amazing mommy
September 9th, 2010 at 2:35 am
Erin, the best lesson I learned-no let me rephrase-am learning as a mother is to cherish today, because tomorrow is a new learning experience. Take sleep for instance. He never slept, and when he did, it was for a short and blessed month, then came teeth…so my advice is to love the day you are experiencing, because with these forever changing and beautiful souls, nothing is forever, except our love for our children, and actually, that changes too, because it grows ever more everyday. You are a mother, and a reflective wonderfully analytical woman, and for that I love you. Thank you for always questioning that thought, that sentence, that breath. Wish I could see more of you.
September 9th, 2010 at 2:57 am
Brought tears to my eyes, I was thinking all these thoughts just this morning! I don’t know that I will every stop worrying if I am good enough and if Saylor will know how much love I have for her ( I didn’t even know it was possible to love so hard) or worrying that I will screw her up or that others will screw her up. But life and love would not be nearly as rewarding if didn’t question it some times I guess. Thanks for putting my thoughts into words. Now I need to dry my tears and go pick the love of my life up from daycare!
September 9th, 2010 at 4:10 am
Great post. Remember when we had our shoot when Charlie was born and I was all stressed out cause she was having to be on formula and you told me you were formula fed and turned out just fine? (which helped me by the way very much) Even after baby number two I questioned things so I get your post
Your are an amazing mother with a beautiful baby girl!
September 26th, 2010 at 7:18 am
All I can say is wow Erin. You are a supermom! We received our package in the mail and I am “DYING” to open them but Danen is away this week
I can’t even imagine how you find the time to create these beautiful photo’s when you are such a doting mama. It truly is a feat. You are doing over and above. It’s not a competition! My girlfriends and I have a saying regarding motherhood challenges and solutions- “Whatever gets you through the night!”
Do what you think feels right and you can’t be wrong. She is gorgeous and she will know how much she is loved!
September 28th, 2010 at 11:42 pm
Erin,
I just love how you open your heart on this blog. Your writing is incredible and feel like you put my feelings into words. I am also a mom (of 4) and every day is amazing…and often challenging. I can tell that you are an amazing person and Mom and i have no doubt that Maisie knows how much she is loved! By the way…i love her chubby legs! I really hope to come and have my family captured by you some day. MAybe we can come on holidays there next summer.
Thank you for sharing.