I question everything. Its my nature. I question myself, my choices, my motives. Am I doing the right thing? It's just how I roll. Throw in a title such as "mother" and questioning becomes a whole new playing field.
I believe that its the responsibility that gets me. The pressure. Good lord the pressure.
Will she be strong, will she know she's loved, even if I let her cry for a bit in her crib. Even if we carry on with the sleep training. Even if she did sleep through the night last night, and might even do it again tonight. Will she know we still love her, and would cut off limbs if it would ensure that her life would be full, and long, and incredible. Will she be a good person, will she always know how to laugh, have fun and be amazing. Will she want to dance around all wild, or will she be serious. Will I screw her up. Or if I don't will someone else mess her little life up.
There. I said it. Isn't that what we all fear? Anyone raising people, children, little souls, who are perfect little beings at birth. Knowing all the mysteries of the world. Innocent, open, amzing. Will we screw them up. If I feed her sweet potatoes, or formula, or butternut squash from a jar, or homemade applesauce... will that make her better and healthier? If she plays with Sophie the Giraffe, or pots and pans... will one make her stronger, more aware, more alive? Will having the B.O.B stroller, or the Ergo carrier ensure that she has a full and adventurous life. Does the brand of her baby shoes really matter. Will she care if she is in baby GAP or organic cotton. Does any of this matter, really. Honestly. Will having designer bed sheets make her a more rounded, caring and compassionate human being. What if her sheets are from Wal-Mart??
I don't believe it really does matter. Again, I question everything. I'm not going to lie. I like my B.O.B stroller, think its awesome. It travels great on trails, it is so easy. But, does having it make me a better person than someone with a different brand. Does it make me "outdoorsy" or "sporty" or "cool". Nope. I think, what makes you cool, or even awesome is what you "do".
Do you read stories, ride bikes, explore the world, make crafts, bake cakes, or garden late at night by the headlights of your car lighting up your yard? Do you teach children to be compassionate and kind and generous? I know that we all do our best. We try. Because I know this, I will likely not look at a new mom and say something like "why does your mommy give you that silly soother in your mouth", or "why would she put barrettes in your hair", or "oh, you're feeding her formula", or "oh, she sleeps in bed with you" or "isn't she sleeping through the night". You might not catch me saying those things to anyone. Now, I think I'll be less likely to judge moms. Who am I? How do I know?
Right now, I feel like I need a badge that says "NEW MOMMY. GO EASY ON ME". We do our best, don't we? Maya Angelou says, when we know better, we do better. So I'm hoping to know better and do better as much as humanly possible.
Tonight, I'm going to hope that Maisie sleeps through the night again. (Yes, I said again) I hope that I learn gently from my mistakes and that each time I learn, I have the ability to humbly admit it and move on, guilt free. I'm new and I'm trying, and I hope that Maisie will learn to overlook my shortcomings as a human being and mother, and teach me how to always strive to do the right thing.
And that... for sure, is enough out of me for one day!!