On Letting Go
As I enter the last few weeks of my pregnancy, besides being outrageously emotional, I’ve also become increasingly reflective on the nine months that have just passed.
I have a great appreciation for the vulnerability that comes along with growing a human life. Right underneath your surface is a human being. A small little creation that without you, wouldn’t exist. Little fingers, toes, eyes, ears, mouth, brain, vital organs… all growing right underneath your skin. At times it feels so surreal that all that separates this little marvel from the outside world is skin, literally.
I have a greater sensitivity towards anyone who looks “different” or is pregnant. Some people are fabulous… they just walk by and maybe give you a little wink, or knowing look, like… “I’ve been there honey, this too shall pass.” Or even looks of admiration, “You go girl”. Those are great. What I am not a giant fan of, is the gawking that goes on… or the extra weird comments that people make. Or the words like ‘growth’ or ‘massive’ or ‘huge’. I’m not sure if pregnancy makes some people uncomfortable, but there are certainly a few folks that need to enroll in some serious sensitivity training. Or rather, just say nothing. That would be helpful.
The biggest lesson I have re-learned, and will likely do countless times over the course of my lifetime is on letting go. Recently I’ve felt like this pregnancy is shedding layers of myself that I never knew I’d have to. Grieving the loss of my own childhood, my innocence, my youth even. I thought that I understood all of this before. I didn’t. I still don’t entirely. I’ve had to let go of what my body felt and looked like before. Not to mention giving it up entirely to share with another soul. If you’ve never done this, it’s likely you’ll need to before you can truly comprehend it. In a sense, you just keep letting go of anything you thought you’d ever known before.
For a while, I became consumed with ‘what ifs’ and fears. About the pregnancy and having a healthy baby, and not having stretch marks and hemorrhoids and not gaining too much weight and self image, and how others see me etc. In the last few weeks, I’ve realized that the only way to move forward in this journey is to let that all go. Honestly, just let it go. I am unable to control any of it. What good is it to worry about something that is out of your hands. Giving up control, letting go of fears and doubts and worries. Letting go of due dates and name choices and leg cramps. Letting go of this all, has resulted in a sort of spring cleaning of the soul.
The great beauty in letting go, is that it allows space for something new to take its place. I have a feeling that space will soon be filled with something much bigger than anything that was there before.
March 11th, 2010 at 11:29 am
You are in a very good place and so insightful Erin! Having a baby was the first time I realized I was a control freak and it has been one of those “big” lessons in life. Be good to yourself…seriously! xoxo
March 11th, 2010 at 11:33 am
beautifully written and so true! Glad to see you have the courage to let go…you’re going to be a beautiful heartfelt mom
March 11th, 2010 at 11:43 am
Wow… you’re beautiful, inside and out. Love your pictures. Love your writing too now.
Will be thinking about you over the next couple weeks while you move forward to that next phase… again, it’s nothing you can comprehend until it happens to you. You look down and that skin you spoke of is gone and there sits your baby. It’s wonderful.
March 11th, 2010 at 12:04 pm
I truly believe that the 40 weeks isn’t neccessarily just so baby has time to grow; it’s so mom does, too. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. Being able to ‘let go’ during pregnancy absolutely prepares us for motherhood (“don’t sweat the small stuff”) From the moment of conception, children test us, push us, get angry with us . . . cherish us, love us, and trust us unconditionally. All too soon the innocence of both mom and babe is gone, but for the rest of our lives we bear the scars, both physical and emotional, of motherhood. It is the highest honour we will ever achieve.
Enjoy these last few weeks, days and hours, Erin. Cherish the memories, love the moments.
You are beautiful.
March 11th, 2010 at 12:36 pm
Erin Wallis your words are so beautiful and
so true and just for the record can I say BABY MAISIE IS ALMOST HERE IM SO EXCITED!!!!!! XOXOXO
March 11th, 2010 at 5:27 pm
Erin. I visit photo blogs on a regular basis…every morning It’s part of my routine. I discovered your work a couple of years ago and knew your words and pictures were different from anyone else I had found. Your work seems deeply meaningful. As a photographer I am tired of reading a few meaningless words about a number of images that follow. That never happens at EWP. Thank you for sharing so honestly yourself.
March 11th, 2010 at 5:37 pm
Hello Erin,
What a beautiful moment of insight …..your words are just filled with everything a baby needs …LOVE, UNDERSTANDING and an OPEN MIND. I can’t wait to follow your journey into motherhood….I KNOW you will be such a great mother.
BTW…..you look absolutely STUNNING!! THat glow they always talk about ….that for some reason I didnt get very often …..YOU’VE GOT IT.
Warmly,
March 11th, 2010 at 7:52 pm
You continue to inspire and amaze me; i’m about to start work and i read this now I’m all teary. I thank my lucky stars you are in this world to share your experiences with all of us. My good friend is in the last 7 weeks of her first pregnancy and your posts have hit home with the same emotions, fears, anticipation that she’s going thru. You’re not alone.
Thanks Erin and i know you’ll do great!
Luv Suz
March 11th, 2010 at 8:01 pm
You are way too funny! Hope all goes well for you. I have never felt so much power…pride…accomplishment as a woman etc… once I have birth to my 8lb son! I have learned to appreciate every lb I gained and to be proud of it!! “YES…I did this…of course with my support system in place” Now #2 is coming very fast and I’m about scared $hitless as I was with the 1st…I too probably cried everyother day wondering about the same as you do but all my supports just tell me it’s the hormones but I never felt so bad as I did when I ripped the face off of a cashier at a local grocery store…I cried all the way home after that. My sister said…it will pass! I can’t wait to enter my new world of being a parent of two babies! I know for certain you will love your new world as a parent and you will be an awesome parent! I also can’t wait to get my girly figure back or should I say if I ever find it again…lmao!! I’ll find out if I get induced in a couple of weeks…if so it’ll happen around your due date…maybe we’ll see eachother!
March 11th, 2010 at 8:22 pm
Beautiful insight Erin and oh so very true
Motherhood and the journey to it is such an impossible thing to put into words yet you seem to do just that so eloquently. Reading your words brings me right back to my pregnancy with Layla and it reminds me how much I truly enjoyed almost every day of it haha.
It was a beautiful time that transformed Matt and I slowly day by day…. Such an exciting time in your life and it warms my heart to read your words and know that you are embracing every little piece of it because it is over so quickly.
Take care and I can’t wait to hear of the arrival of your daughter!
Jodi
March 11th, 2010 at 8:24 pm
Hey Erin, I love reading your blog. It is well written and comes from the heart. Your words could not be more true when you are in the moment. It’s amazing how much you forget all of these present fears (the ones you are feeling now) once you see your little creation (not to discredit them AT ALL, it’s just amazing how quickly we forget). However, more fears come with your baby being brought into this world. I felt as though I had to let go of so much more once our child was born – I struggle with it some days, but other days I feel I am so blessed. I think it will get easier with time. You are right, nothing can quite prepare you for what is about to come for you on this journey to parenthood – in the next few weeks and for the next years of life. It will be filled with fear, joy, laughter, and many frustrations, but above all it will be filled with enormous amounts of love for this tiny being. There is nothing quite like it. You look amazing by the way so don’t let those comments get to you. They are just jealous that you look so great! Enjoy every minute of the end of your pregnancy. Christine
March 11th, 2010 at 8:26 pm
As I sit here reading this beautiful post, while spelling out words like Dora and Boots while my daughters draw pictures besides me. I got a note from one of them that says in 5 year old chicken scratch ‘ I Love YAu” Being a mother is indescribable and the physical changes that go with it pale in comparison to how much your heart grows. Letting go does feel good. It makes room for much better things.
Congratulations on this wonderful gift on its way and thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Reminds me of how truly lucky I am.
( btw that is one beautiful baby belly youre wearing
March 11th, 2010 at 9:41 pm
I’m so taken by your words, always have been a fan of how you put life into perspective: so real, so sensitive to feelings & emotions of others and yourself. You glow no doubt, I can see it from miles away. And that bump by the way? Perfect. You’re carrying such a beautiful gift. I can’t wait to see the smiles across your face when you meet your child.
March 12th, 2010 at 1:10 am
phew… beautiful Erin… You are going to make an amazing mommy.
Wishing you all the best.
March 12th, 2010 at 1:46 am
“Grieving the loss of my own childhood, my innocence, my youth even.” You wait and see Erin its so much more when you can watch your own child, in their childhood, innocence and youth. Good luck
March 12th, 2010 at 1:54 am
Letting Go….an action that is liberating…as a mom, as a wife, as a woman, as a professional. Erin, I can relate to those ‘looks’ and judging by your picture at the beginning of this post, your body was meant to make babies. It’s a bizarre statement, but women are designed to do this…just like babies are designed to grow up. You captured shots of me when I was pregnant that made me feel sexy and beautiful. Don’t forget what the authenticity and rawness that you are able to capture in pregnancy…and see it in yourself! ‘m not going to tell you look one way or another, because that isn’t what matters, what matters is that your baby girl is healthy and happy inside of you. She is so lucky to have your genes. The bottom line is that judgements from strangers can only have power if we let them. You remind me that being open and authentic is in all of us, stunted only by fear. You are fearless!
March 12th, 2010 at 4:09 am
As a new mom to a one month old I am just now realizing what this letting go means. I know that inaweek or month from now it won’t be a big deal that I didn’t get to brush my teeth until 1:00 or had to eat my lunch in 5.6 seconds….this healthy, thriving, amazing baby is my new full time job…period.
I was lamenting and becoming frustrated by the amount of time he spent breastfeeding leaving me glued to the couch….well at this point it is his full time job. I have been amazed at how much I have grown, even if I have been a little slow to adjust. Good thing he knows what he is doing!
March 12th, 2010 at 4:33 am
Left on my facebook from such beautiful people… I just had to share!!
Misty Norman What a wonderful and bravely honest post. Even though I have an amazing husband and am surrounded by supportive family, there are moments (even days) where I feel so alone and overwhelmed by this experience. Everything you wrote rang true so thank you for sharing. Have a wonderful birthday tomorrow (I can still remember dancing the night away in Waramuri for your 20th) and I look forward to seeing photos very soon of this little life you have created.
15 hours ago ·
Barry Parmet Nicely written, Erin. I just sent this to my sister who is a social worker that counsels new parents – I’m sure she’ll appreciate it.
14 hours ago ·
Carrie Cross Wells So very true, it’s right when you are pregnant loads of things go round your head, like when you are 14 days overdue and hoping for baby to come. LOL Sending you happy, relaxing, baby vibes!!!
13 hours ago ·
Tammy Rice Erin, it’s an amazing thing we go through and you are fully entitled to feel overwhelmed and emotional! The end result is such an incredible blessing that you can only wonder sometimes why you didn’t do it sooner! ha ha. I wish you a ‘easy’ labour and we are sending you lots of love as you welcome your little one in the world! You are going to be a GREAT mama and I can’t wait to see your amazing pictures of the little angel! Take care hunie…
10 hours ago ·
Brandi Halverson Thank you for an such an amazing and truthful post! Makes me feel so much better that I’m not the only one with all of these feelings and emotions!
7 hours ago ·
Erin Wallis Misty, you are right….going thru all of this without an amazing man and fabulous family and friends does make a whole world of difference. Thank you all, for sharing and joining in on the journey! Xoxo
7 hours ago ·
Jen Jayden Obviously I can’t identify with being pregnant, but I think your observations and your reflections on them are something we are all trying to learn in everything we do. Exactly what you wrote about is what I’ve been feeling to some degree in my own life – only with different elements. I always love hearing your observations…your perspective has…
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5 hours ago ·
Danielle Lehman You never cease to amaze me Erin!!! You have this way about that is so honest and pure in everything you do and you constantly are sharing that with everyone that crosses your path without hesitation!!! It is absolutely beautiful!!! I wish you all the best as you venture into this new chapter of life!! D xoxo
about an hour ago
Chelsea Martin March 11 at 8:01am
Erin,
I just read your blog & have a little tear rolling down my cheek now! You are incredible, in so many ways…I am sure so many women have felt the exact way you are feeling right now & just haven’t been able to understand it or really put it into words- I can’t even come close to comprehending all of this quite yet myself as it is a journey I have yet to take, however I think I understand it & you just made it that much easier for gals to understand it by sharing your thoughts & experience. I am so proud of you for “letting it all go” as I am sure that is a hard thing to do, but I think it will make your experience that much better
Keith and I wish you & Bryce all the very best, I am sure you are both very anxious, excited and nervous about the arrival of your little Angle, Maisie !!! And I also have to mention that you are GORGEOUS in your last maternity photo, I think you really are just a Pregnant Goddess right now & you are more beautiful every day as that precious little life is growing inside you!
Hugs & Love from the Martins. We’ll be thinking of you over the next couple of weeks. xoxo
March 12th, 2010 at 6:06 am
Nice journal entry. I think the letting go is the sweet surrender to a life far more enchanted than anything we could create by trying to control the outcomes. Beauty is all from the glow of a momma’s face – the awakening. I remember too the precious smiles of mom’s and dad’s who’ve been there. The special connection with strangers -a secret only parents know. I felt the same with the loss of my dad – only those who have a parent who has passed know. Angels from heaven and angels to heaven… the human experience is a beautiful enchanted fairy tale unfolding and we are so lucky to share it with each other.
You’re so fabulous – I am so happy to be here watching you of all people become mom! XO!
March 15th, 2010 at 4:51 am
Dear Erin,
I only hope that I can be as strong as you. I already have trouble letting go of some things. I cannot even begin to comprehend what it must be like. Thank you so much for being honest.
Katie Field
March 15th, 2010 at 8:54 am
Erin you will be amazing in the delivery room …. as amazing as you always have been! I know that your life is about to take an incredible journey and mine? wow! I love you as much and more than any Mom can love a daughter .. xo Maisie is blessed to have you and Bryce in her life …. okay she’ll get to love Franko too xo
March 16th, 2010 at 3:49 am
I’ve been thinking about you all month, I know it’s coming soon. Regarding what others say, I try to think to myself, “What others think of me isn’t any of my business.” It really doesn’t always work, as truly what others think of me does matter to me, and that’s part of what makes me, me. I care, what can I say, although in trying to care less, this is the quote I try to think of. Take good care of yourself, my tip for being pregnant is go and eat pub food, because while your babe is “under your skin” you’re still allowed, but as soon as you’re carrying her around, you’re not. Guess I love pub food?
Give your beautiful belly a rub for me, and get lots of sleep.
Thanks for your inspirational words
Kim Brown : )
March 17th, 2010 at 5:13 pm
Very well said Erin. There will be ups and downs and many tears of joy and many tears of frustration. In the end it only matters that you have done your best and given all your love.
I am so happy for you and Bryce the journey you are about to embark is the most fabulous one that you will ever go on. There is not greater feeling than looking into your baby’s eyes and see them gazing back at you in wonderment and true complete trust. The feeling you get when your child wraps their little arms around your neck and gives you the biggest hug they can muster up and says “I love you” it goes right to the core.
Wishing you the best last couple weeks of your pregnancy and a healthy delivery.
March 20th, 2010 at 1:16 am
“The great beauty in letting go, is that it allows space for something new to take its place. I have a feeling that space will soon be filled with something much bigger than anything that was there before.”
I cried reading this. It really hit home for me since I am going through the motions of needing my “space” to be “filled with something much bigger”.
Sending you the warmest of Aloha wishes during these last moments of your pregnancy. <3
March 21st, 2010 at 8:29 pm
You write like a poet.
Stunning words from a stunning lady.
ps you don’t look ‘huge’, you look beautiful.
October 6th, 2010 at 9:54 am
You do great work Erin! Your wedding photography is awesome as well. I am a big fan!