As I enter the last few weeks of my pregnancy, besides being outrageously emotional, I've also become increasingly reflective on the nine months that have just passed.
I have a great appreciation for the vulnerability that comes along with growing a human life. Right underneath your surface is a human being. A small little creation that without you, wouldn't exist. Little fingers, toes, eyes, ears, mouth, brain, vital organs... all growing right underneath your skin. At times it feels so surreal that all that separates this little marvel from the outside world is skin, literally.
I have a greater sensitivity towards anyone who looks "different" or is pregnant. Some people are fabulous... they just walk by and maybe give you a little wink, or knowing look, like... "I've been there honey, this too shall pass." Or even looks of admiration, "You go girl". Those are great. What I am not a giant fan of, is the gawking that goes on... or the extra weird comments that people make. Or the words like 'growth' or 'massive' or 'huge'. I'm not sure if pregnancy makes some people uncomfortable, but there are certainly a few folks that need to enroll in some serious sensitivity training. Or rather, just say nothing. That would be helpful.
The biggest lesson I have re-learned, and will likely do countless times over the course of my lifetime is on letting go. Recently I've felt like this pregnancy is shedding layers of myself that I never knew I'd have to. Grieving the loss of my own childhood, my innocence, my youth even. I thought that I understood all of this before. I didn't. I still don't entirely. I've had to let go of what my body felt and looked like before. Not to mention giving it up entirely to share with another soul. If you've never done this, it's likely you'll need to before you can truly comprehend it. In a sense, you just keep letting go of anything you thought you'd ever known before.
For a while, I became consumed with 'what ifs' and fears. About the pregnancy and having a healthy baby, and not having stretch marks and hemorrhoids and not gaining too much weight and self image, and how others see me etc. In the last few weeks, I've realized that the only way to move forward in this journey is to let that all go. Honestly, just let it go. I am unable to control any of it. What good is it to worry about something that is out of your hands. Giving up control, letting go of fears and doubts and worries. Letting go of due dates and name choices and leg cramps. Letting go of this all, has resulted in a sort of spring cleaning of the soul.
The great beauty in letting go, is that it allows space for something new to take its place. I have a feeling that space will soon be filled with something much bigger than anything that was there before.